“Second-order Equanimity”

 In a previous article, I wrote about Shinzen’s tremendously useful equation, S = P x R, (Suffering = Pain multiplied by Resistance) with the example of my first time realizing the truth of this equation for myself.  If you haven’t read that article yet, please check it out.  

 In this article I want to give an example of what I like to call “Second-order Equanimity”.

 So, I’d been practicing, in fact teaching mindfulness for a while.  In addition to the experience I had with my knee pain becoming totally not-a-problem, I had a number of other pretty cool experiences, (some described elsewhere) where applying the practice provided instant relief for physical and/or emotional pain.  So, I’d developed some confidence in the practice, and a decent ability to intentionally apply mindfulness to reduce and eliminate my suffering.  Here’s a little story about one time I couldn’t, and what it taught me.

 So once upon a time I had a minor surgical procedure, (one that taught me the truth of the old saying “Minor surgery is surgery that happens to somebody else!”)  I’d referred plenty of people for the same procedure, to the same surgeon I went to, and I was completely caught off guard when, a few days after the procedure, I continued to have paroxysms of intense discomfort.  Out of the blue, I’d feel a sudden, sharp pain in the area of the incision, followed by a deep, dull ache. Next an interpretation, like “Oh my God! Something’s wrong!” Followed by emotions- fear, sadness, anger and embarrassment.   Sometimes when the paroxysms occurred I’d start towards the phone, imagining calling my colleague, the surgeon, to let him know loudly and in no uncertain terms that he was a quack, as if somehow casting blame and foisting some suffering on him would relieve mine.

 Fortunately, I’d catch myself.  Tense, standing still, breathing rapidly, jaw clenched.  Exhaling through pursed lips I’d instruct myself, sometimes mentally and sometimes aloud- “Okay, okay- What part is physical pain, can you have equanimity with that? What part’s emotion, can you have equanimity with that?”  I found that I had just enough equanimity to refrain from phoning my colleague and calling him very bad names.   

 But I was still struggling.  The episodes happened so quickly, and each time I’d attempt to bring mindfulness to what I was experiencing.  “Okay, okay, can you have equanimity with this?  Can you have equanimity with this?”  

 Finally, exhausted, I answered myself- “No, I can’t. I can’t have equanimity with this.”  

 But then, another question, “Well, can you have equanimity with the fact that you can’t have equanimity?”  

 I could!  

 Instantly, everything changed.   S still equaled P times R.  The pain was still there, and the resistance was still there, and the suffering was still there, but all of a sudden, it wasn’t “MY” suffering, it was “THE” suffering, or perhaps “OUR” suffering.  The same suffering that people all over the world might be feeling at that moment, people who may have just had surgery, whose recovery was harder than they expected, people who were in physical pain, or who were feeling uncertain and scared.  The pain and suffering I was experiencing was no longer causing me to feel isolated and separate, but instead to feel a deep connection and compassion for myself and human beings everywhere.  And like that- my experience ceased to be a problem, and turned into a gift.

 I feel like this little anecdote needs an epilogue.  Thinking back, I don’t remember all the particular details, but I remember the gist.  A few days later, I had the opportunity to care for a patient, someone who was overwhelmed, and scared, and suffering.  I believe I was able to connect with this man in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to if I’d never had the experience I described in the previous paragraph, and I believe that I was able to help him in a way that I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to.  At least, I certainly hope so!