I just got back from a week long Metta (Loving-Kindness) retreat at the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts, under the guidance of Sharon Salzberg, Lila Kate Wheeler, and Oren Sofer. 

In Metta practice, one uses visualization and internal phrases to cultivate the intentions of friendliness and goodwill for oneself and others.  I'd done Metta meditations before- a one-day workshop with Sharon at West Hartford Yoga, and a weekend retreat at Copper Beech Institute, but never a full week-long intensive Metta retreat like this one.  

It was a great retreat!

I guess that one would think by "great", that it meant spending the week basking in the warm glow of unconditional and universal love for all beings?  Nope- that's not what happened.

There was no obvious spiritual or psychological breakthrough.  No clear reconnection with universal oneness.  No exquisite presence during meals that made every bite of food taste like a gourmet meal.  Instead I spent most of the whole week cycling through thoughts and feelings of grumpiness, sleepiness, frustration, agitation, skepticism, condemnation, and romantic fantasy.  

 So, how's that great?!   

Photo: Anita Berghoef

 

Shinzen Young says- "The definition of a good meditation is the one you just did."  He emphasizes that as long as you are applying the meditation technique you've chosen, useful work is occurring.  Sharon emphasized this again and again at the retreat- "What comes up during meditation isn't what's important. What's important is how we ARE with what comes up."  I teach this stuff myself, so I've said the same things.  Either it IS blissful and you're basking in the warm glow of universal benevolence, or- what's blocking Metta arises, and with mindfulness the "blockages" can be attended to and released. 

Early in the retreat Lila and Oren spoke about the different categories these blockages fall into, classically called the Five Hindrances:

1) Sense desire or greed, 2) Ill will or aversion, 3) Sloth and torpor, 4) Restlessness and Anxiety), 5) Doubt

So, by a "great retreat", this time I mean that I had the opportunity to see how chock-full of hindrances I am!  And, more importantly, I could sense that the work I was doing was helping these to come to the surface to be released.  Instead of having these hindrances subconsciously running my life, I had the opportunity to choose a better intention- one of benevolence.    

Some of the various meditation retreats I've attended where wonderful and interesting stuff has happened, has, well... let me just say that maybe I thought that it made me something special!  But, further experience has shown me that NO ONE REALLY CARES what kind of wonderful, profound, unusual, experiences or insights I might have had on retreat.  What people do care about is how I'm relating to them, how I'm behaving in my everyday life.  Despite the fact that the retreat wasn't all that pleasant, I get the taste that the work I did this week in silence and in community has helped me to be less of a selfish a**hole!  

There's still plenty of work to be done; I'm a beginner on this journey!  So much to learn!  I'm truly grateful for teachers and students and friends on this path!